Since we’ve been back from our break M and I are running into solutions faster than I can keep track, which should make for shorter posts, hooray.
This is going to involve boundary-setting to relieve bickering over mundane day to day dumb stuff. I can’t find any research on how decision speeds impact relationships yet but it’s no doubt on the horizon in this golden age of couples counseling.
Because Aspies and Allipsticks process information differently they’re going to tackle the same problem differently and (sometimes) arrive at the same outcome at different speeds. We focus on the big picture, they focus on details, he sees the sand, I take in the beach — choose your metaphor, each approach has its place.
Take a problem, something that happens in every household. Say, combining two brands of cat food makes the first all crumbly so you’re going to want to keep them in separate containers going forward. Now, moving on. Hah, not on your life.
Imagine you’re climbing a ladder, and you get to the top rung first. Your partner, the granular thinker who focuses on discrete details will be behind, pulling you back down to step two or three. How do you like him now?
This interactive pattern that we’ve been unaware of has been driving both of us nuts for years. For me, the issue has been resolved, it is now a non-issue. Let’s dance!
To stop driving the NT mad he will to have to trust that she’s got this figured out. He does not have to walk her through it. One look at what happened to the cat food and she figured this out, like instantly.
That’s where the conversation needs to end if we’re to get along famously. It simply will not do to pressure me to articulate my step-by step decision-making process as I ascended the ladder. Check with Esther, we don’t explain ourselves to our partners or we’ve got a problem. I wouldn’t be able to describe the decision-making in hindsight if I cared to, and I do not, too much unconscious sorting is involved to catch it.
So now we’ve identified this issue and its significance. We laughed about it for the first time, a lot, which tells me we nailed it, we’re on the right track.
Let me be clear: He is not competing or over-riding my decisions. We’re arriving at similar decisions in different time frames, and that’s what leads to conflict. This made no sense whatsoever, because we agree, so why are so mad at each other?
Please researchers, make this a thing, whatever it is.